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It is hard to be a stepparent of a troubled teen.

So I am having a VERY hard time thinking of something funny to write about. I have wracked my brain. I just can’t come up with anything even remotely funny going on in my life right now. Maybe if I tell you all that is going on you could help me…..

Let’s see, actually, if I do that, it will just depress you all as much as it depresses me. I have come to the conclusion after much drama, that apparently I am a minority. I have done research on the internet looking for people like me. Looking for help, looking for support groups. I have not been successful so far. It is hard to describe. I believe there are thousands of people like me, but I don’t think anyone is willing to admit it. We will be ostracized. We will make people angry. Don’t rock the boat……just suffer in silence to keep the peace……
I kid you not, when I do research looking for my people, I come up empty handed.  I mean come on, seriously people???  Even people looking for their African ancestors will have more databases to peruse than people like me.  So have piqued your curiosity yet?  Are you wondering what in the heck kind of minority I am?  You may be wondering if I am really in such a small group of people?

Ok, so I will tell you…..drumroll please………

I am the Step Parent of a Troubled Teen.  Also known as a SPOTT.  And yes, I did make up that acronym….do you like it???  I have an amazing partner who I love without reservation who is the biological parent to a difficult, troubled teen. We have worked with her, we have taken her to see a therapist, (she was fired by the therapist), we have stopped yelling and started talking.  All to no avail.  And to be totally honest, as the step parent and not the biological parent, I have little or no control over the situation anyway.  As a matter of fact, the websites I did find gave me the following advice:

“Communication and teamwork are essential in a step-parenting situation.”
Yessirree folks,  that is abut all there is to being a good stepparent.  Communication……..right?  They have got to be fucking kidding me….
When you are the step parent of a troubled teen you are pretty much the same as a muchroom sitting in a dark corner.  You have absolutely NO say in what happens.  If your partner is a strong parent and uses tough love and firm parenting, things might get better for you.  However, if your partner is a parent who would rather NOT deal with confrontation and the “messy” stuff, all I can say is boy howdy you better hold on for a rough ride.  I know because I am a partner to a wonderful, amazing, beautiful woman who is a parent of the second kind.  She would rather just NOT deal with anything that is difficult.  In teenage language this really means “it’s okay honey, just do whatever you want”.  Then when there are concerns about drinking and unprotected sex and smoking, it is too late to put the brakes on and try and fix what is broken.  And as the stepparent, I can only hold on, close my eyes tight and whimper in the corner.  Sometimes I click my heels three times and say “there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.” When I am done, I am still standing in the same fucking spot dealing with the same bullshit I was dealing with before.

WHERE ARE YOU GLENDA?????
So, my real question is……is there anyone else out there who walks my walk?  Anyone who finds themself whimpering in the corner because they are powerless and their house is being run by an unruly, ungrateful, teenager who thinks they can do whatever they want???? And the one adult who should have the power does nothing because it is easier to walk away???  PLEASE for the love of all that is good, there MUST be someone else out there like me??? I don’t mind being a minority, but I don’t want to be the only one………

Just knowing there is one other person like me would help………anyone?????

I am going to go eat something chocolate now……

8 responses to “It is hard to be a stepparent of a troubled teen.

  1. I’m in the same boat. I would love advice.

    • Michael, my only advice is if you love the stepchild’s parent enough you slog through it. Keep lines of communication open with your partner, and do your best to talk about the situation objectively. If all goes the way it should eventually the teenager will move out. It is not an easy road by any means, but I am sending good vibes to you!!!

  2. welcome to my world!

  3. This is my plight as well and there is two of them. I feel powerless. tired, and ready to give both girls an earful. My husband is a burnt out parent who has been raising these two by himself for a long time. I do not entirely blame him. His two kids are complete spoiled brats, who dont give a crap about themselves. That is one point that I try to remember. For them to act this way, they just dont care and they have some real emotional issues. Some of these issues are inherent to the development of the teenage brain, some of its personality, some of it is entitlement, and some of its being fucked up emotionally, spiritually, mentally and socially. I have to remind myself, they must really be suffering inside and not like themselves to be doing the things there are doing. Going back to how I behave helps me to have a smidgen of compassion and not request they both be sent away immediately. By all means this is not a excuse for their behavior. Unfortunately, these two are doing to have to learn the hard way. They are not my responsibility and will never be. Here is my advice to have a little power and relief in your life; if they dont clean up, or take care of things, stop doing things for them; If they dont respect a relationship of give and take with you, then stop giving. It is not mean, it is right.
    I think I wrote this more for me than anyone.If it helps, all the better. Remember, we are not their therapist, hire help, scapegoat or toilet to shit on. Good luck.

  4. I am in the same boat! I feel so lost. I love my boyfriend and I love the kid but something HAS to give. I cannot take anymore, he steals the credit card, refuses to go to school, tells me to fuck off. Destroys my property and I am at a loss of what to do. Unfortunately my boyfriend is afraid that if he dissaplines him that he will leave and go with his mother ( who is a drug addict and raised him until last year) and never come back. I just feel lost.

  5. I am so alone with this situation. It’s been off and on for years now. I’m an outsider in my own home and my husband is quite good at avoiding. We make rules every time he comes back and it’s a joke. We’re talking serious issues here. Drugs,jail, homelessness …. Now he’s back for that “last chance.” In getting fatter by the day! I was a strict parent to my own children and this has become unbearable. I feel like I’m on the verge of a breakdown. I am his babysitter because I am out of work right now and he is not trusted in the house alone since he has stolen from us in the past. I try to keep my mouth shut but I’m so distraught! The tension is unbearable! I think it’s going to kill either me or my marriage. Thank,s for a place to vent.

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