What happens when you can’t say no.

Sometimes I can’t see the forest for the trees.  I get so wrapped up in what is going on in my own life I don’ always see what is going on with others. After all, I work two part time jobs, I go to school full time, I blog, and I have 4 kids, three of whom still live at home.  And of those three kids, two are in Boy Scouts, one is on the high school swim team, one is trying to get his learner’s permit and one has a part time job he needs rides to and from. Oh, and don’t forget the weekly allergy shots, random medical appointments, and trying to have a social life…..  All of these activities require a certain amount of time and attention…..and brain energy.  And that is what seems to spread around the least….the brain energy.
It is as if my brain becomes a sponge that can only absorb so much and then starts leaking…….sometimes a little, sometimes a lot….it varies. I have to say, just the mere fact that everything gets done, (even if it is late) is a small miracle….. I have lists….lots and lots of lists……sometimes more than one each day, although I try to consolidate regularly.  I carry a day planner everywhere I go.  I have little notebooks in my purse…..   And the worst part of this shit???  I do it to myself……

I hate to tell anyone “no”.  I have some amazing friends.  I love them all.  I would do anything for them.  Recently Bluebell and I were at a party and I realize that some of our friends are taking their family to Disney World for a week.  They have a dog and a cat.  I ask what they are doing with the animals while they are gone.  They tell me they are boarding the dog, but they are leaving the cat at home.  At that moment it is as if I have a mental seizure.  For a brief instant I have a huge case of amnesia and forget the 5 million things I have going on in my life.  Picture a person mentally displaced from their body.  Floating above their body watching it do things they have no control over.  That is how I feel as I hear myself say, “Oh, we will be happy to check in on the cat while you are gone.”  Bluebell gives me a look like, “Woman, have you lost your mind?”  and all I can do is  smile like the village idiot and make a feeble gesture.

Now don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my friends, and I am happy to help them out.  That is not the problem.  You see the problem is that I am so busy that Bluebell ends up keeping the promise I have made, and God love her, she loves me enough to do that.

AND just so I don’t appear too much like a loser who leaves her partner to take care of the commitments I overbooked myself for, I did go over and hang out with the cat a couple of times so Bluebell wouldn’t have to do my job completely.  The cat really is sweet and I enjoyed hanging out with him.  I was also very happy to help my friends, so it was a win-win.  🙂

That is my problem.  I always want to help people.  I work for a dermatologist doing skin care procedures.  I LOVE my clients!!  I would do almost anything for them.  I have worked on a Sunday afternoon, I have worked at 8:15 in the morning, I have worked at 5:30 in the evening!  I have done free procedures, I have given away products I have purchased for myself.  (Thank goodness my boss doesn’t read my blog…..)  I do this because I TRULY TRULY believe in paying it forward.  I know that good will come to me if I do good for others.  However, I don’t do good for others to get back for myself.  I do it for a completely different selfish reason.

I do for others because it makes me feel good.  Simple as that.  I could be having a super crappy day.  Maybe I had a horrible ride in to work.  Maybe Bluebell and I were fighting.  Maybe yet again I had to yell at my kid about his grades.  Anything and everything could have gone wrong, yet when I walk into a room with my client, I am happy to be there with them and it is all about them.  I know that what I do makes them feel better about how they look, which intrinsically helps them feel better about themselves, which in turn fuels how they see themselves and how they relate to the world.  WOW!! That is heavy stuff for a 30 minute chemical peel or microdermabrasion appointment, but that is how I see it.

So I guess even though I am my own worst enemy and constantly get myself or Bluebell into trouble by always overbooking us and working when I could be with my family, in the big picture being my own worst enemy is a pretty darn good thing!

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