I feel ashamed because I am fat

I have not had a physical in two years.  I am 47 and am supposed to have a mammogram every year now. I have not had a mammogram in two years.  The last time I visited the doctor she was concerned about my borderline diabetic blood sugar levels.  I have not had my blood sugar levels checked in two years.  She was also concerned about my cholesterol.  Also not checked in two years. I have heart disease that runs in my family, however, even that has not moved me to go to the doctor.

I have health insurance.  It is affordable health insurance (TRICARE) and my co-pays are obscenely low. (Something I feel a bit guilty about, but that is a post for another day). I am in the medical field, and know the risks of all of these health concerns, yet I still have not gone.

So with my health on a borderline level, and the fact that I am over 45 and have different health needs, why haven’t I been to the doctor in two years? Easy…. it is because I am fat.  Overweight.  Actually, I am obese.  I am 90 pounds over what I am “supposed” to be.

ashamed

Now I know how people are supposed to feel.  I know we are not supposed to judge and we are supposed to be loving and kind to all people.  I am a kind person, I am generous, I am compassionate.  Now don’t get me wrong, I am not perfect, if you do me wrong, I can be amazingly cold, but 98% of the time, that is not the case.

Instead of feeling good about the positive aspects of my personality, all I focus on is my weight.  I refuse to look in mirrors, and won’t let anyone take pictures of me.  My clothes are all baggy, and I am so embarrassed that I have to shop in the “woman’s” section.

I haven’t been to the doctor in two years because I am ashamed.  Ashamed of my weight.  Ashamed that I have not been able to lose weight.  To go to the doctor’s office is excruciatingly painful.  I have to get on a scale….(I close my eyes and tell the nurse not to tell me).  I don’t own a scale. I don’t want to know. When I see the doctor she will tell me I need to lose weight.  That my blood pressure is getting high.  (It was probably fine until I started driving to the doctor’s office).  She will tell me I am borderline diabetic and that she will want to check my blood sugar again in two months.  Of course I won’t show up for that appointment.  I will reschedule a few times, then just call and cancel.

I read blogs and other people’s stories.  I read about other women who are obese and they are happy with their bodies.  They talk about how they are “Big and Beautiful”.  There are even websites devoted to how to be “big and beautiful”.

I have even tried to look in the mirror and find parts of my body I do like.  I have done that.  I like my eyes, my lips, my hair,  and my calves.  So I am happy from my chin up, and my knees down.  That leaves A LOT that I don’t like.

To be honest, I have tried, over and over, but I just can’t feel good about my body and my size.  I am so happy for the women that have been able to feel big and “beautiful”, but for me, it just doesn’t work.   I look in the mirror and want to cry.  It doesn’t help that aging requires a lot of emotional stamina and bravery.  Lines show up that didn’t used to be there, my metabolism (which has always been slow anyway) has gone on permanent hiatus.  My hair has become more gray, and my joints have begun aching.

I truly believe that despite the recent trend to “love yourself” no mater what, I have spoken with other women who feel the same way I do.  I have tried many times and ways to lose weight.  I have changed from “white” foods to “brown” foods, I have cut switched to sugar free baking.  I have made Cheesecake, choc chip cookies, chocolate death pudding cake, and many other things trying to reduce my sugar.  I even joined Weight Watchers and after 6 months, I had ended up gaining 3 pounds…….

So in a last ditch effort I have joined Jillian Michaels to try to make changes for my health.  I have had some success, but I am still fat,  I am less fat, but still fat.  Still ashamed, still afraid of catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror when I shower.

I don’t know if this fat shaming in our society will ever end.  I know there is some that is overt and some that is less so, but for me, I am the best at shaming myself.  I don’t need their help.  So for everyone who sees me and thinks not so nice things, believe me when I tell you that I have said and thought much worse about myself.  I don’t need anyone else to help me feel bad, and less than.

16 responses to “I feel ashamed because I am fat

  1. Madge Stein Woods

    Enough self hatred. It might be that the doctor can make suggestions that can lead to a happier health situation for you. I am the opposite. I am slightly heavy for my size but I go to the doctor and find out the truth and then take meds to help me as I fight to eat better. Some days much better than others but clearly you know the truth. I might say I weigh myself everyday and never at doctor’s office. She accepts what I tell her. You know you have issues so might as well accept them and at least find out medically what you can do to lower what might be familial traits. Literally everyone in my family skinny or not have high cholesterol (familial) and take medication to keep it under control. These are diseases that need care and should not shame you. I love your writing and want you to be around to see and meet your grandkids and life to a ripe old age HEALTHY.

    • Madge you are so awesome! I do have an appointment on August 2nd. I have bitten the bullet and decided to do what is best for my health. But to be honest, if I had not already lost 17 pounds, I do not think I would have made the appointment. I will let you know how it goes! I am glad you do what is good for yourself. I want to see my grandkids too. My mother is 74 and very healthy, so the good news is I have inherited some healthy old lady genes as well! 🙂

  2. Karol Sebastian

    You have done an outstanding job working g our doing Jillian Michaels. You have lost 15 lbs and working your ass off with the exercises. Keep it up you will loose the weight if just takes time. I love you are your are BEAUTIFUL!!!

    • Thanks Karol! I do feel better, but I am not where I want to be, and this weight loss has NOT been easy!! It has been painful, and difficult, and intense!

  3. The thing is, too, though… Weight does not neccassarily mean health. When I was obese I was HEALTHY… Now? Not so much… I am “normal” weight but not living near a full life. I know sometimes it is hard to get past what we see in the mirror, but society has conditioned us to think we are NOT beautiful. It is society who has made us feel ugly and unworthy… All because of the number we see on a scale or the size of our clothes. With that said, I too didn’t go to a doc unless I knew I had something like a sinus infection. I always blamed those weird ” infections” or heart palps, or achey shoulders on my weight… Welp, turned out to be something else. So advocate for YOU. See a doc. Don’t be ashamed. If something isn’t right tell her. If you have questions ask him. And if your doc tries to shame you for your weight… Find a new one. I think size discrimination is very rampant in the medical community. Some docs will blame every little thing on those numbers. Size discrimination is everywhere. And sadly, we discrimate against ourselves in these instances, too. You have got to be one of the most active and motivating people I have ever met, Carol. Truly. Do for you!

    • Aww thanks Babs! I agree that society has helped to shape the “numbers” game. I have recently lost some weight and am still working on it. I am not hoping to get “skinny” but to a healthy body. Get my sugar under control, lower my cholesterol, etc. I want to be an old healthy lady some day!!

  4. I’m at the beach right now and every time I try to get out of those low beach chairs I realize I have a problem…but hey, I float really well!

  5. I applaud you for doing what needs to be done for your health! I run a fitness/weight loss challenge, and I deal with people every single day that want/need to lose weight in order to be healthier. The one thing that I believe you have realized already (that many of my challengers have not yet) is that to become a healthier, more fit person on the outside, you have to change the inside. You must change your lifestyle (which it sounds like you are on the right path!) Diets don’t work. Quick fixes don’t work. If losing weight was easy, the world would be full of Barbie dolls. Hop over to my blog and read my Dad’s story. He is a true inspiration to me every single day. Keep doing what you are doing and you will have an amazing before/after story to tell one day, too! xoxo

    • Shannon,

      Thank you for helping to change people’s lives! I have lost 21 pounds, and feel great! Only 38 to go until I reach my goal weight! I love what I am eating, I love how I am feeling, and I love how I can get back into “old” clothes, and get rid of my “fat” clothes! The difference now, is that my goal weight is realistic for a 47 year old woman. I don’t want a 25 year old body, I want a healthy, body that I feel good in!

  6. Just want to say you can be fat and healthy. I am the heaviest I have ever been, right up at 300, but I just got my yearly bloodwork back, and it is perfect. blood sugar, cholesterol, everything. This is not to brag, but for years I was borderline diabetic, on meds, etc, and then I got very sick and had to stop taking everything. So I had to learn to control it all myself. Now I eat mostly produce, work out as often as I can, and stay away from junk or people who try to tell me I am not good the way I am, and I feel great! I am still fat as hell, but that is fine. I don’t think it will ever really change, but if I am healthy that is what matters. You can do it! (also, if your doc is a jerk, find a new one!)

    There are a lot of body positive books out there…. Read those and do a media lockout, and I am sure you will feel better about who you are!

    • Rachel,
      I am so glad your body is healthy! You are absolutely right that health is the most important concern, not just your body size and number! I do love my doctor, I just didn’t want to hear the truth… So glad your truth is health!!!

  7. I have struggled with my weight and the shame of being fat my whole life. My cholesterol was highest when I was at my thinnest, go figure. Please go get your check up. Yeah, it will suck getting on the scale, but it will suck more having a scar from your neck to your navel because you had a heart attack.
    I think women who have confidence in their size are awesome, I could never muster that. I am losing weight again by working out and moving more. Instead of hitting some insane goal weight of 125, I will be happy with 140. I have about 30 pounds to go.
    Thanks for being so honest and vocalizing what so many of us feel, but are too ashamed to say it. You can do whatever you set your mind to.

    • Nikki! Thank you for sharing your story! I completely agree with you! I have a healthy weight goal now too. I know I will never be 125 again. I will be happy with 170 and a size 12! Please check back in when you reach your goal. Good luck to you!!

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