I have not had a physical in two years. I am 47 and am supposed to have a mammogram every year now. I have not had a mammogram in two years. The last time I visited the doctor she was concerned about my borderline diabetic blood sugar levels. I have not had my blood sugar levels checked in two years. She was also concerned about my cholesterol. Also not checked in two years. I have heart disease that runs in my family, however, even that has not moved me to go to the doctor.
I have health insurance. It is affordable health insurance (TRICARE) and my co-pays are obscenely low. (Something I feel a bit guilty about, but that is a post for another day). I am in the medical field, and know the risks of all of these health concerns, yet I still have not gone.
So with my health on a borderline level, and the fact that I am over 45 and have different health needs, why haven’t I been to the doctor in two years? Easy…. it is because I am fat. Overweight. Actually, I am obese. I am 90 pounds over what I am “supposed” to be.
Now I know how people are supposed to feel. I know we are not supposed to judge and we are supposed to be loving and kind to all people. I am a kind person, I am generous, I am compassionate. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not perfect, if you do me wrong, I can be amazingly cold, but 98% of the time, that is not the case.
Instead of feeling good about the positive aspects of my personality, all I focus on is my weight. I refuse to look in mirrors, and won’t let anyone take pictures of me. My clothes are all baggy, and I am so embarrassed that I have to shop in the “woman’s” section.
I haven’t been to the doctor in two years because I am ashamed. Ashamed of my weight. Ashamed that I have not been able to lose weight. To go to the doctor’s office is excruciatingly painful. I have to get on a scale….(I close my eyes and tell the nurse not to tell me). I don’t own a scale. I don’t want to know. When I see the doctor she will tell me I need to lose weight. That my blood pressure is getting high. (It was probably fine until I started driving to the doctor’s office). She will tell me I am borderline diabetic and that she will want to check my blood sugar again in two months. Of course I won’t show up for that appointment. I will reschedule a few times, then just call and cancel.
I read blogs and other people’s stories. I read about other women who are obese and they are happy with their bodies. They talk about how they are “Big and Beautiful”. There are even websites devoted to how to be “big and beautiful”.
I have even tried to look in the mirror and find parts of my body I do like. I have done that. I like my eyes, my lips, my hair, and my calves. So I am happy from my chin up, and my knees down. That leaves A LOT that I don’t like.
To be honest, I have tried, over and over, but I just can’t feel good about my body and my size. I am so happy for the women that have been able to feel big and “beautiful”, but for me, it just doesn’t work. I look in the mirror and want to cry. It doesn’t help that aging requires a lot of emotional stamina and bravery. Lines show up that didn’t used to be there, my metabolism (which has always been slow anyway) has gone on permanent hiatus. My hair has become more gray, and my joints have begun aching.
I truly believe that despite the recent trend to “love yourself” no mater what, I have spoken with other women who feel the same way I do. I have tried many times and ways to lose weight. I have changed from “white” foods to “brown” foods, I have cut switched to sugar free baking. I have made Cheesecake, choc chip cookies, chocolate death pudding cake, and many other things trying to reduce my sugar. I even joined Weight Watchers and after 6 months, I had ended up gaining 3 pounds…….
So in a last ditch effort I have joined Jillian Michaels to try to make changes for my health. I have had some success, but I am still fat, I am less fat, but still fat. Still ashamed, still afraid of catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror when I shower.
I don’t know if this fat shaming in our society will ever end. I know there is some that is overt and some that is less so, but for me, I am the best at shaming myself. I don’t need their help. So for everyone who sees me and thinks not so nice things, believe me when I tell you that I have said and thought much worse about myself. I don’t need anyone else to help me feel bad, and less than.