Same Sex Marriage……..Maybe not for me….

OK, so unless you have been living under a rock, you have heard the news that the Supreme Court of the United States, (aka SCOTUS) has struck down the ban on same sex marriage, and it is now legal in every state in the United States to get married if you are a same sex couple.  Interestingly, according to CNN, the US is the 21st country to make marriage legal for ALL citizens.

The Netherlands was the first country to end the exclusion of same-sex couples from marriage in 2001, when their Parliament voted 107-33 to eliminate discrimination from their marriage laws. The law requires that at least one member of the couple be a Dutch national or live in the Netherlands, and it took effect on April 1, 2001. 14 years ago……..hmmm.    Twenty countries have approved the freedom to marry for same-sex couples nationwide (Netherlands, Belgium, Spain, Canada, South Africa, Norway, Sweden, Portugal, Iceland, Argentina, Denmark, France, Brazil, Uruguay, New Zealand, Britain, Luxembourg, Finland and Ireland), while Mexico allows the freedom to marry regionally and has  court-directed provisions enabling same-sex couples to share in the freedom to marry. In Slovenia, Parliament approved a marriage bill in March 2015 and is headed to the president’s desk. Many other countries provide some protections for such couples. As more and more countries win the freedom to marry, families are helped, and communities and countries made stronger, by protecting all loving committed couples.

I have lots of thoughts on this matter.  As a matter of fact, when I went on vacation last summer to visit my mother, who lives in Kissimmee Florida, she asked me what my thoughts were on gay marriage.  My mother is  NOT homophobic in the least, but she doesn’t really understand it.  She is 76 and comes from a different era than I do.  It does not bother me at all that she does not understand, the fact that she is accepting of me and Karol, and loves me anyway, is all that matters to me.

In the past, quite a few of my friends have said that Karol and I should get married in a nearby state and then wait for Virginia to catch up.  We just chuckled, and the questions stopped.  Then marriage became legal in Virginia and the comments started again.  That time we said we didn’t want to get married until EVERYONE could get married, well, now it is legal all over the US and the comments and questions have started again……sigh…..

However, recently, when my mother asked me about it, and two of my besties also asked me when we are getting married, I had to delve deep into my own thoughts and really think about why I don’t want to get married.

gay wedding

To be honest there are a few reasons why we don’t want to get married….yet…..

First and foremost is that fact that most of our household income comes from Karol, and if we marry my children will no longer be eligible for grants and some student loans.  So to marry now means my kids will lose money to help them pay for college, and I feel that to do that just to say I am “married” is extremely elfish…

wedding rngs

Another reason is harder to explain and believe me these are MY OWN thoughts and I believe them ONLY for myself, and I do NOT think everyone, (or anyone) has to believe the way I do, but here it is:

As a die hard feminist I have a hard time participating in a traditional “wedding” which I believe is a patriarchal heterosexual ideology.  Let’s face it, “marriage” has always been a heterosexual thing.  I don’t believe anyone should be exempted from getting married if that is their desire, so I do support same sex marriage, but I am just not sure it is for me.  I do think at some point it will be important for Karol and I to be legally bound to each other, (social security, retirement, etc), but I would like to find a nontraditional way to do that.

Plus, we have both had the traditional wedding before, and I don’t “need” to have a wedding dress, guests, cake, reception wedding in my life as any kind of statement about my relationship with my partner of 11 years. I don’t want our marriage to be a bigger deal than our wonderful, complicated, sometimes difficult, mostly completely happy,  living together lives already are.  We have been together for 11 years.  We have lived together for 8 years.  It has been easy, it has been hard, we have fought, we have yelled, we have loved……through it all we have loved…..each other and our 4 kids.

I like the idea of having a “love party”.  Getting legally hitched at the Justice of the Peace quietly with just our kids and maybe one or two others in attendance and then having a party (a backyard BBQ) with our friends and loved ones…..but that will have to be years from now when the kids are out of college and since the youngest one is about to turn 16, by then same sex marriage will be routine………

I guess we will revisit the idea in about 6 years or so…. I will let you know…


One thought on “Same Sex Marriage……..Maybe not for me….

  1. Thank you for today’s missive. I am like your mother. 73 and have questions. I would never ask the questions tho because I’m all for minding my own business and I fell it would be rude. I am so glad those who want to can marry. Anyone !
    The one worry is how would different laws be handled. Custody……divorce……..real estate……social security. I believe we aren’t quite there yet on that score. Yeah the laws can be changed but how quickly.

    1. Jo Ann,
      My mom may never get onboard with me getting married again, but since we don;t want to have a wedding, I guess it won;t matter. She won;t have to worry about whether or not to turn down the invitation. lol
      I don;t think the laws should be any different….. that makes everything more equal I think, to have them all be the same laws across the board.
      Carol recently posted..Silent SundayMy Profile

  2. I had wondered what you two were thinking at this point, and figured college finances would be an enormous reason not to marry for quite a while yet. Here’s hoping that if/when marriage seems like the right step to take, you’re able to find a way to do it that feels authentic to both of you. My wife and I wouldn’t have been able to do a traditional wedding either… but a couple dozen friends on a mountaintop, and vows we wrote ourselves, that we could do. I think one of the most interesting things to come out of the rapidly-shifting landscape of same-sex marriage is a lesson from the long-time couples who have rushed down to city hall in their everyday clothes to get a license and marry as soon as they could. For them, it is so clearly about the marriage, and so little about the wedding — exactly what matters most in the long run, but the complete opposite of what straight society has traditionally emphasized!

    1. “I think one of the most interesting things to come out of the rapidly-shifting landscape of same-sex marriage is a lesson from the long-time couples who have rushed down to city hall in their everyday clothes to get a license and marry as soon as they could. For them, it is so clearly about the marriage, and so little about the wedding — exactly what matters most in the long run”

      Yes, YES, and YYEESSSSS!! You are SO right. The legal implications for couples who have been together for many years and were unable to legally tie themselves together is overwhelming. Healthcare, social security, retirement plans, etc etc etc…being able to have no one question your legal right to what you have built together is enormous!!!
      Carol recently posted..Silent SundayMy Profile

  3. Well, that seems like a good answer to the question “When are you two getting married? After our youngest graduates college.”

  4. My husband and I went to the courthouse, and a super rad judge in a killer tie informed us of the legal implications of joining our lives. So many people focus on the religious aspect of the issue that I think they forget that you sign a binding contract when you get married. To me, that’s commitment. Standing up in front of people and saying words didn’t make me realize the ginormity of what we’d just done. Signing that contract did. And it made me love him all the more.
    Get married when it’s right for you, and only if it’s right for you.
    Helleanor Rigby recently posted..20 Delightful Cat-Themed Reasons To Ruin Your Credit (AND My First Cat-Themed Giveaway!)My Profile

    1. Helleanor,

      YES! It really is about the legal implications in the long run. After all in divorce court there is no pretty gown and religion involved. It is all about the legal responsibilities and financial responsibilities. think if people looked at a marriage like a business partnership they would think more realistically about a marriage. Hmmmm… would I be this person’s business partner? No?, well then why be their life partner…… ?? Just sayin’
      Carol recently posted..Silent SundayMy Profile

  5. hi from Virginia Bloggers! Even if you aren’t ready to get married, I think the fact that you can is so awesome. I agree with Helleanor, get married when it’s right for YOU! And, when/if the time comes, you and Karol will figure out the best ceremony for the two of you 🙂
    Emma recently posted..Why I ClimbMy Profile

    1. Emma,

      I completely agree. The fact that I even have this choice is awesome! This would not have even been a discussion when Karol and I first met….heck in Virginia it wouldn’t have even been a discussion 1 year ago….. Yay for progress!
      Carol recently posted..Silent SundayMy Profile

  6. It’s so interesting to hear all of this from your perspective. I can totally understand why you don’t want to get married, just because it’s suddenly “legal” now. There is so much more to it and if you have the relationship you want, that’s what matters!
    Liz @ I Heart Vegetables recently posted..Sugar Free Grocery ListMy Profile

    1. Liz, yes Ma’am. Our relationship is awesome! We have definitely been through the ringer with our oldest child, and after we finally resolved those differences (which were HUGE) it seems like everything else isn’t that traumatic…..
      Carol recently posted..Silent SundayMy Profile

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