What is my sexuality anyway?

I have always been a bit different.  Even in High School I didn’t have a group I “clicked” with.  I had a different set of friends every year.  I had lots of boyfriends during high school.  If I didn’t have a boyfriend, I was looking for a boyfriend. I have always felt better when I am in a relationship with someone.
It never mattered to me if they had blonde hair, or brown hair, curly hair or straight hair.  I didn’t care if they were Jewish or Christian, or Muslim.  I also didn’t care if they were black or white or Asian, or something else entirely.  I was raised by parents who were not at all prejudiced.  As a matter of fact when I told my mother I wanted to date a boy who was black, she only told me that some people might be rude to us because of prejudice.  As a person who has experienced prejudice first hand (people calling me names and throwing pennies at me because I am Jewish), I was okay with that. We ended up only going on one date however.

I graduated high school in January of my senior year and joined the Navy.  I knew I didn’t want to go to college after graduation, and I also knew I needed a skill, so off to the Navy I went.

However before leaving for Boot Camp, I decided that I didn’t have enough freedom living with my parents and I moved out of my parents house and moved in with a friend who worked at the same grocery store where I worked.
During that time I wasn’t dating anyone, and a woman at the grocery store began pursuing me and wanted to date me.  Strangely enough, this wasn’t a problem for me.  It didn’t seem weird or different or unusual to me.  Although it would be quite “normal”  to be hit on by a same gendered person in 2012, this was 1983, and things were different then.  I had never met anyone who wasn’t heterosexual that I can remember, and although her being a lesbian was foreign to what I had experienced growing up, it just seemed natural.  We dated for a few months until I went to Boot Camp, and sadly while I was there she sent me a “Dear Jane” letter and broke my heart.

After graduating Boot Camp I went for training in Chicago, and dated young men while I was there.  After finishing that training, I went for more training in Bethesda Maryland, and it just so happened one of my classmates was a gay male (who later sadly died of AIDS), one was a lesbian and one was a bisexual girl.  Thinking about it now, that seems unusual, as there were only 9 of us in the class.  For 1/3 of us to be other than heterosexual is interesting.  The other two women (the lesbian and bisexual woman) and I were the only women in the class, so we hung out together.  We went to gay bars in DC, and I began dating women I met there, as well as men I met on base.  I didn’t really have one exclusive relationship.  I dated.  I dated both men and women, although since I was in the military I had to keep the fact that I was dating women a secret.

When I completed my training in Bethesda, I went to my first permanent duty station which was a Great Lakes Naval Hospital (about an hour north of Chicago).  During my first couple of years there I had with women exclusively. However, I son met a guy I was interested in, and started dating him.

I met the man who is the father of my children during this time period, and was honest with him about my past relationships.  He didn’t mind, and we were married for 8 years.  For reasons that are a story for another time, the marriage ended, and a year later I started seeing my partner Karol.

My reason for thinking about my sexual orientation is that a few days ago I was asked to speak on a GLBTQ (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered, Queer) panel, and was thinking about my sexual orientation.  I happened to be sitting with some of the amazing people at my church and we were talking about the panel.  I was sharing about this fact that I don’t really feel comfortable with any of the “titles” for sexual orientation I had heard about.  I wasn’t really a lesbian, or heterosexual, and I never really felt comfortable calling myself a bisexual, (although I don’t know why, it just never felt like it was the right fit).
One of the people in the group (who happens to be a lesbian who just came out last month) said to me, “Oh, it sounds like you are Pan-sexual”.

I was like, wait, what??

I had my laptop with me, so I googled it.

JACKPOT!!

That fit!  Here are some of the definitions I found.
From the Urban Dictionary:
One who can love sexuality in many forms. Like bisexuality, but even more fluid, a pansexual person can love not only the traditional male and female genders, but also transgendered, androgynous, and gender fluid people.

And from Wikipedia:
Pansexuality, also referred to as omnisexuality,[1] refers to the potential for sexual attraction, sexual desire, romantic love, or emotional attraction towards persons of all gender identities and biological sexes.[2][3] Self-identified pansexuals may refer to themselves as gender-blind—that gender and sex are insignificant or irrelevant in determining whether they will be sexually attracted to others.[4] The Oxford English Dictionary writes that pansexuality is defined as “not limited or inhibited in sexual choice with regards to gender or activity.”[5] The concept of pansexuality deliberately rejects the gender binary, the “notion of two genders and indeed of specific sexual orientations”,[6] as pansexual people are open to relationships with people who do not identify as strictly men or women.[7] Pansexuality can also mean the attraction to a person’s personality, rather than their physical appearance or gender.

I have been attracted to men, women, women who look like men, men who look like women, androgynous people, Asian, Caucasian, African American, all genders and ethnicities.  I may have been attracted to Transgendered, transsexual, people and just not have known it.  To me I am attracted to all kinds of people, and I plan on being with Lovely Bluebell forever, but I have learned the hard way that life doesn’t always work out the way I planned. If Lovely Bluebell and I were to ever decide to end our relationship, I don’t know what kind of person I may be in a relationship with.

So from now on if I am asked what I consider my sexual orientation to be, I will say, “I am an Omnisexual”

That might start some interesting conversations………

My son thinks his Gay mom is Cool!!

When I first started dating my lovely partner Karol, we had to keep everything a secret.  First of all, she was still in the military and Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was alive and well.  Plus I had just gotten divorced and was unwilling to let my children know I was in a relationship with her.  They knew we were best friends, and I decided to leave it at that.

Then we bought a house together and we decided it was best for each of us to have our own bedroom.  She was about to retire, but I had not yet “told” my kids and she had not told hers.  We did sleep together most nights, but actually lived in our own bedrooms for the most part.  It was an interesting time.  Neither of us was “out” professionally but we were to our close friends.  Looking back on it I think we were crazy, but it worked at the time, and I suppose it made things easier for the children to get used to living with new people.

We decided after living together for a year we would tell the children that we were actually a couple.  Of course they all said, “Um, we have known forever Mom.”  They were okay with me being in a relationship with a woman, and that made me happy.  We had actually prepared ourselves for the worst and realized we may need to sell our house and live apart if our kids freaked out.  Our number one priority was the children and how they would feel about our relationship.

Because I had been in a “traditional” marriage when my children were young I never forced the issue about them saying anything to any adults or their friends.  I always introduced Bluebell as my “friend”, and they did the same.  They called her “my mom’s friend” if talking about her to others.

At some point my oldest son (age 15 now) began telling people his mom was “bi”.  Apparently people his age thought that was cool and I scored him some “cool points”.  I suppose technically I am “bi” in his mind since I was married to his dad and am now with a woman.  I don’t consider myself bisexual. I consider myself a lesbian, but I never pushed that issue with my son.  Whatever he was comfortable with worked for me.

My son is now in 10th grade and is very comfortable with Bluebell and with our relationship.

However, I was still surprised when she came to me a few weeks ago and brought me a paper that I saw had my son’s handwriting on it.  “Uh oh”, I said.  “Is this going to be bad?”  She said, “Just read it.”  She had seen this paper lying on the dining room table near my son’s book bag and picked it up and read it.  I held it in my hand and braced myself.

He had an assignment to write about himself and his family for his English class.  In his own handwriting I read, “I found out a few years ago my mom is in a same gendered relationship.  I think that is cool. My mom is cool.”

I cried tears of joy.  My son thinks I am cool! That is a pretty amazing thing for a mom of a teenager to be considered cool by her kid!

My son thinks I am cool!!!