What is my sexuality anyway?

I have always been a bit different.  Even in High School I didn’t have a group I “clicked” with.  I had a different set of friends every year.  I had lots of boyfriends during high school.  If I didn’t have a boyfriend, I was looking for a boyfriend. I have always felt better when I am in a relationship with someone.
It never mattered to me if they had blonde hair, or brown hair, curly hair or straight hair.  I didn’t care if they were Jewish or Christian, or Muslim.  I also didn’t care if they were black or white or Asian, or something else entirely.  I was raised by parents who were not at all prejudiced.  As a matter of fact when I told my mother I wanted to date a boy who was black, she only told me that some people might be rude to us because of prejudice.  As a person who has experienced prejudice first hand (people calling me names and throwing pennies at me because I am Jewish), I was okay with that. We ended up only going on one date however.

I graduated high school in January of my senior year and joined the Navy.  I knew I didn’t want to go to college after graduation, and I also knew I needed a skill, so off to the Navy I went.

However before leaving for Boot Camp, I decided that I didn’t have enough freedom living with my parents and I moved out of my parents house and moved in with a friend who worked at the same grocery store where I worked.
During that time I wasn’t dating anyone, and a woman at the grocery store began pursuing me and wanted to date me.  Strangely enough, this wasn’t a problem for me.  It didn’t seem weird or different or unusual to me.  Although it would be quite “normal”  to be hit on by a same gendered person in 2012, this was 1983, and things were different then.  I had never met anyone who wasn’t heterosexual that I can remember, and although her being a lesbian was foreign to what I had experienced growing up, it just seemed natural.  We dated for a few months until I went to Boot Camp, and sadly while I was there she sent me a “Dear Jane” letter and broke my heart.

After graduating Boot Camp I went for training in Chicago, and dated young men while I was there.  After finishing that training, I went for more training in Bethesda Maryland, and it just so happened one of my classmates was a gay male (who later sadly died of AIDS), one was a lesbian and one was a bisexual girl.  Thinking about it now, that seems unusual, as there were only 9 of us in the class.  For 1/3 of us to be other than heterosexual is interesting.  The other two women (the lesbian and bisexual woman) and I were the only women in the class, so we hung out together.  We went to gay bars in DC, and I began dating women I met there, as well as men I met on base.  I didn’t really have one exclusive relationship.  I dated.  I dated both men and women, although since I was in the military I had to keep the fact that I was dating women a secret.

When I completed my training in Bethesda, I went to my first permanent duty station which was a Great Lakes Naval Hospital (about an hour north of Chicago).  During my first couple of years there I had with women exclusively. However, I son met a guy I was interested in, and started dating him.

I met the man who is the father of my children during this time period, and was honest with him about my past relationships.  He didn’t mind, and we were married for 8 years.  For reasons that are a story for another time, the marriage ended, and a year later I started seeing my partner Karol.

My reason for thinking about my sexual orientation is that a few days ago I was asked to speak on a GLBTQ (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered, Queer) panel, and was thinking about my sexual orientation.  I happened to be sitting with some of the amazing people at my church and we were talking about the panel.  I was sharing about this fact that I don’t really feel comfortable with any of the “titles” for sexual orientation I had heard about.  I wasn’t really a lesbian, or heterosexual, and I never really felt comfortable calling myself a bisexual, (although I don’t know why, it just never felt like it was the right fit).
One of the people in the group (who happens to be a lesbian who just came out last month) said to me, “Oh, it sounds like you are Pan-sexual”.

I was like, wait, what??

I had my laptop with me, so I googled it.


That fit!  Here are some of the definitions I found.
From the Urban Dictionary:
One who can love sexuality in many forms. Like bisexuality, but even more fluid, a pansexual person can love not only the traditional male and female genders, but also transgendered, androgynous, and gender fluid people.

And from Wikipedia:
Pansexuality, also referred to as omnisexuality,[1] refers to the potential for sexual attraction, sexual desire, romantic love, or emotional attraction towards persons of all gender identities and biological sexes.[2][3] Self-identified pansexuals may refer to themselves as gender-blind—that gender and sex are insignificant or irrelevant in determining whether they will be sexually attracted to others.[4] The Oxford English Dictionary writes that pansexuality is defined as “not limited or inhibited in sexual choice with regards to gender or activity.”[5] The concept of pansexuality deliberately rejects the gender binary, the “notion of two genders and indeed of specific sexual orientations”,[6] as pansexual people are open to relationships with people who do not identify as strictly men or women.[7] Pansexuality can also mean the attraction to a person’s personality, rather than their physical appearance or gender.

I have been attracted to men, women, women who look like men, men who look like women, androgynous people, Asian, Caucasian, African American, all genders and ethnicities.  I may have been attracted to Transgendered, transsexual, people and just not have known it.  To me I am attracted to all kinds of people, and I plan on being with Lovely Bluebell forever, but I have learned the hard way that life doesn’t always work out the way I planned. If Lovely Bluebell and I were to ever decide to end our relationship, I don’t know what kind of person I may be in a relationship with.

So from now on if I am asked what I consider my sexual orientation to be, I will say, “I am an Omnisexual”

That might start some interesting conversations………

Best friends are awesome

You know people say that your best friend is the one who is supposed to know you best, be able to comfort you, be there for you etc etc etc.  Blah blah blah.  I think your best friend is the one who you can laugh at when they fail down, and then help them up, who you can be honest with and tell her that sweater is ugly.  THAT is truly a best friend. This is a conversation I had last year with my BFF The NewYorRican!

I am taking 4 classes this semester and one of them is Abnormal Psychology.  My assignment is to interview 5 people about their attitudes towards people with Mental Illness and then write a one page paper essay about my findings.  I have been trying to interview my best friend The NewYorican for a few days, however, she and I have been going in different directions and I keep missing her.
Last Friday The NewYorican dropped off her kids, Little Man and Fairy when she had an early morning doctor’s appointment.  I noticed Little Man had a stuffy nose and was sniffing a lot. When I dropped off Fairy and Little Man at school that morning,  I made sure Little Man had some tissues in his pocket, and promptly forgot about it.

Yesterday, I finally pinned her down and she said she would walk over to my house after I returned home from work so I could interview her.  She had to come to my house because not only were Little Man and Fairy home sick from school, but her older daughter Sparkle was home sick also.  We had a text conversation before she came over and this is how it went:

Me:  I am home now. Come on over for coffee.

NYR:  Ok.  Be right over.

Me:  Oh, make sure you spray yourself down with Lysol before you come.

NYR:  Are you freaking kidding me?

Me:  I have a mask for you to wear when you get here.  Did you see Contagion?

NYR: Ummmm, fuck you, and no I didn’t see that freaking movie!!

Me: Well, I have a gown for you, and gloves too.

NYR:  Mad at you!

Me:  You’ll get over it.  ;-P

NYR: You are so fucked up.

Me:  Just come over and shut the hell up.

NYR: Hell no, did you just try to get ghetto on me?

Me:  I didn’t try…I succeeded.  Just get your ass over here.

NYR: Ok, but remember I am tougher than you.

Me:  True, but I can run faster and have more endurance…..

THAT is why I love The NewYorican.  Best friends are the best.  Remember she was willing to ride in a car with me when I was twitchy, and ALWAYS has my back.  Even if it is because she is chasing me to kick my ass!


A good friend will be there for you when he breaks up with you. A best friend will call him and whisper, “Seven days…”
A good friend helps you up when you fall. A best friend keeps on walking, saying, “Walk much?”
A good friend helps you find your prince. A best friend kidnaps him and brings him to you.
A good friend will ask you if you’re okay when you’re crying. A best friend will laugh at you and say, “Haha, loser!”
A good friend will offer you a soda. A best friend will dump theirs on you.
A good friend will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of month. A best friend will throw you a tampon and push you in.
A good friend gives you their umbrella when it rains. A best friend takes yours and yells, “Run, bi***, run!”
A good friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move the bodies.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend will be in the room next to you, saying, “That was awesome! Let’s do it again!”
A good friend has never seen you cry. A best friend won’t tell anyone else that you cried.
A good friend asks you to write down your number. A best friend has you on speed dial.
A good friend will leave you behind if that’s what the crowd is doing. A best friend will kick the crowd’s butts for leaving you.
A good friend knows a few things about you. A best friend could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story.
A good friend tells you that she knows how you feel. A best friend just sits down and cries with you.
A good friend will help you learn to drive. A best friend will help you roll the car into a lake so you can collect insurance.
A good friend will watch your pets when you go away. A best friend won’t let you go away.
A good friend will hide you from the cops. A best friend is probably the reason they’re after you in the first place.

Silent Sunday….Veterans Day

Some random photos from my time in the military. Bluebell also.


Mosque in Bahrain
Lots of helos on the USS Ponce deck

Bluebell (far right) with the white jacket. She was the Flight Deck boss on that Det. JTFX 04

L-R:Rick Heyward (Mongo), me, Bluebell, AZ2 ?
Me and Mongo.
Me working in Bahrain 2003. Operation Iraqi Freedom
Bluebell in Bahrain 2003
Bluebell doing some Quality Assurance work. JTFX 2004
One of my faves of Bluebell.
Bluebell and an Ordinance person chilling.
MH-53E at Statue of Liberty